Grief is the natural response to loss yet the inclination of our society and those around us is to rush us through it. We are led to believe that grief is something to get through and if we are not doing that then there is something wrong with us. We get weighed down by self-judgment and self-criticism about whether we are grieving in the correct way. Maybe our friends are telling us it is time to move on, maybe we are unsure of what is “normal”, and we get worried about getting “stuck” in our grief. This collective attitude toward grief is detrimental to our grief process and our ability to reconcile and integrate with our new reality. The way we grieve is unique to each one of us. There is no set time, or correct rules for grieving. Whichever way grief shows up for us is the right way.
Kristin Neff writes that self-compassion has three components; self-kindness, recognizing that part of being human involves losses and grief so that we are not alone in our experience of it, and finally, mindfulness which involves observing our thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way, showing understanding to ourselves, and comforting ourselves.
Dr Alan Wolfelt says that being self-compassionate helps you to integrate the loss of a loved one into your heart and soul. It is important to nurture ourselves physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. We need to pay attention to what our body is telling us, listen to our emotions and accept what they are saying, and find comfort in supportive people around us or in our spiritual beliefs.
Turning inward and giving ourselves the compassion and kindness to know that we are doing what we need to do, experiencing the emotions and pain while trying to figure out this new and changed life ahead is hard and takes time. We are better equipped for this work when we accept ourselves as the humans we are. It is a fact of life that we will experience difficult times, so let’s remember to give ourselves a break while doing the work that is required. Gather the tools of self-compassion and wrap yourself in the comfort of it all. You are worth it.